Anxious Attachment in Relationships: (Part One) How it Feels From the Inside

(See this post for the background to this story, and Part One and Part Two of the other, avoidant side of this relationship).

You’re 25 now. You meet someone cool. They dated someone else you knew once, not sure what happened there, just a fling, probably. You know they’re really career driven, ambitious, they have lots of friends. Doesn’t hurt that they are really cute too.

They’re fun to be around, and when you realise they’re interested in you and then they ask you out, you feel kind of giddy. You get those delicious butterflies in your stomach. You haven't had those about someone in ages. It must be a sign.

You get along like a house on fire. Your sense of humour is so in sync. You save every meme you know they’ll love, every reel, but you’re careful not to bombard them. You’re not going to be needy this time. Anyway, it’s still casual, you can do casual, so you try to temper your mind when you catch yourself thinking this might really be the one.

You keep dating and they start to open up to you about some stress at work. They even tell you about what their parents and their childhood. It’s nice to be so trusted. They aren’t that great at text and sometimes they don’t reply to your good morning messages and that makes you a bit anxious but these kinds of deep conversations mean they really do feel close to you. They just show it in a different way.

You’re so excited to introduce them to your friends. It takes a few requests since they have so much work on at the moment (always) but they agree in the end. And they’re so good socially, your friends love them, you’re so happy to have the people you love in the same room getting along so well. It's another indication that this relationship might really have legs.

On the way home from the friend hangout they seem a bit weird. You’re so good at reading body language and changes in people, it’s something you pride yourself on. You ask what’s going on and they act like they don’t know what you’re talking about. It's weird, but you don't push it.

The next weekend you don’t see each other for the first weekend since you started dating. They see their own friends both days. And both nights. Your alarm bells are going off, and your alarm bells are very reliable in your experience. You check their Instagram followers for anyone new but don’t spot anyone. You ask what’s going on but they still deny anything. It’s frustrating. Is this what being gaslit is? They call you a stage 5 clinger, and when you react to that they say it’s just a joke.

The next day they show up, coffee in hand, reminding you that everyone needs to see their friends sometimes, you can’t be everything to each other. You don’t really agree, but they remembered your coffee just the way you like it, and you did promise yourself to be more easy-going this time, so you let it go.

You have fun together. Movies, festivals, skiing. When it’s good, you feel like you’ve finally met the person who completes you. When it’s not good, it’s awful. You can’t eat properly, sleep properly, think about anything else. Your parents (well, the useful one anyway) give you lots of support when you call to talk things through. Then you start to feel embarrassed about how much you’re fighting so you decide to keep it to yourself. You don’t want your parents to think badly of them when you’re standing up there on your wedding day.

You start having a tough time at work. You’re not your usual bouncy self. Your partner seems annoyed at that. They keep saying “I’ll give you some space” when that’s the exact opposite of what you need, don’t they know that by now? You talked about love languages and it's like they still hardly know you sometimes. You’d do anything for them if they need it— you have done anything for them — and they can’t show up for you when it’s your turn.

You finally let out how upset you are with them. Well to you, it’s 'finally', but to your shock they say you’re always on their case, you always want more. It's unfair. Sure, you give feedback, but that's because you want the relationship to be the best it can. Sending relationship content you find online to the person you're in a relationship with isn't a crime.

This time they storm out. You’re furious, but within ten minutes or so you’re unbelievably unsettled. They see your messages, all of them, but leave them on read. There must be something else going on. You sit down with social media to do some digging. You don't find anything, but the relief you feel isn't as strong as you thought it would be.

Despite the fight, and them going quiet, you stay committed. It’s your highest value. You send the good morning and goodnight texts. You know relationships take effort, and you’re going to show them that you are still here and want it to work. And they do come round eventually, send you a meme, their way of showing it’s all ok again. You understand why they are like this, with their upbringing that they told you about. All is forgiven.

A few months go by. You’re 26 now. You start to think more and more about settling down. A friend of yours just engaged. You decide to test the waters, send them a link about an article about young couples saving for house deposits. You get a “thumbs up” in reply. You discuss that response with a few friends and they don’t think it’s good.

You decide to focus on yourself. See your own friends, like they see theirs. That seems to work, because a couple of days later they’ve bought you concert tickets for next summer. You know that’s their way of saying they do see a future with you. The iceberg of fear that had settled in your chest dissolves.

Until that new colleague starts at your partner’s work. You already know their name by the time you see they add each other on Insta. Of course they’re hot. Of course they play that stupid game your partner likes too (you play it as well and act like you like it — because that's what people do for people they love right? — but it's so boring). You make a joke about your partner having a crush on the colleague (surely they understand by now you just need a little reassurance from time to time?) Instead they get annoyed. It makes you more upset. You ask point blank whether they see you in their future. They can’t understand why you’re bringing this up now, what the connection is, but you make them promise to think about it.

That cold anxiety takes up residence in your body again. Maybe you pushed them too much. But you’re just trying to talk about the next natural step for a couple. If you didn’t push them sometimes, the relationship would go nowhere. What do they want, just to drift along having fun? Until you wake up and you’re 30 and you’re both still living with flatmates with no commitment, and no house deposit, and everyone else has a mortgage and a picket fence and a baby on the way?

(Continued in the next post).