Avoidant Attachment: What's Really Going On Inside (Part Two — The Analysis)

(continued from this post — read that first if you haven’t, then come back here to finish the story).

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You ask for some space. They struggle with this, as they always do, but you know you have to be the one to calm things down and the best way to do that is to take a little break from each other, otherwise they just get more and more upset until one or both of you says something mean. And it always blows over and you always come back, they should know that by now.

Except this time, you don’t just forget about the argument. You do think, and think, and think. Not only about how suffocated you feel when you contemplate the future but how you can never seem to give your partner what they want. Not enough time, not enough comfort, not enough commitment. Not enough of yourself.

You’re hurting them, and that makes you feel like an asshole. You’re probably not cut out for a relationship, if that’s what it takes. You think and think some more, and when you imagine letting them go, the relief that floods through your body and finally settles that gnawing in your stomach confirms it’s the right thing to do.

If you were meant to be together, you’d feel sadness, not relief, right?

You break up. They are heartbroken. They don’t see that it’s the right thing to do. They want to work through it. You tell them relationships shouldn’t be this hard and they will find someone better suited to them.

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Six months later, you do see someone else starting to appear on their Instagram stories. Yes, you still watch them. They look happy. You miss them. You send a message, tell them that, but you’re glad they seem happy.

One day maybe you’ll meet someone like that.

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If you are avoidantly attached, or have been the partner of someone who is, you might recognise some (or most) of the situations in the story.

People with an avoidant attachment style often cycle through a few of these kinds of relationship dynamics before they either declare that they are giving up on romance all together, or realise that something isn’t right and seek support to change. Someone with an anxious attachment style usually experiences the same thing, though they are probably less likely to give up on finding their happy-ever-after.

The story illustrates many of the experiences of someone with avoidant attachment in a relationship — or more accurately, someone who is unaware that they are avoidantly attached, and/or unsure if anything can change.

People with avoidant attachment usually still have a baseline desire to be loved.* So they participate in the dating and relationship world, and often still believe that there is the right person out there for them.

*(I say  usually, because there is always the whole range of human experience, and very deep trauma or psychological conditions could potentially eliminate a person’s interest in forming attachments).

In the story, the central character (let’s call them Alex) partners with someone who seems to be more anxiously attached. Let’s look at examples from the story that illustrate avoidant attachment.

You keep dating and they want to introduce you to their friends. For some reason that suggestion makes you feel a bit sweaty. You agree to go. You have an ok time, but you notice your partner acts a little different around their friends. You feel a tiny ick. You decide next weekend you’ll just hang out with your friends, you haven’t been seeing them enough anyway.

Being introduced to friends as one of the early signs of getting more emotionally intimate and serious in a relationship, as you invite each other further into your personal worlds. Alex notices their own physical reaction (sweating) but isn’t attuned to the emotional reason underneath (a step towards increased connection).

Already somewhat anxious about meeting the friends and what that means, Alex’s avoidant attachment is activated and on the lookout. Getting the ‘ick’ about something allows Alex to put a little distance between them and their partner, reducing anxiety and re-establishing equilibrium. Alex is aware of the ick, but the reason for it and the reaction to it (deciding to hang out with friends and not see the partner) is below Alex’s conscious awareness.

But your partner starts having a tough time at work. They’re moody. It’s kind of annoying, honestly. You give them some space — that’s what you want when you’re having a hard time.

They accuse you of being unsupportive. They say they don’t want space, they want you to check on them and come even closer when they feel like that. It reminds you of something in the past and makes you uneasy, but you agree to try.

Finding a partner’s emotions when they are having a tough time ‘annoying’ and moving away from them instead of coming closer to provide comfort sounds cold. If we remember back to Alex’s upbringing (in this post), Alex was parentified by one parent after the marriage breakdown. This parent overstepped appropriate emotional boundaries and relied on Alex to help regulate their own emotions. Seeing a parent that they rely upon become unstable, and being required to manage an adult’s feelings with a child’s level of emotional understanding and maturity is extremely anxiety provoking for a child.

This creates Alex’s unease around the partner’s emotionality — it registers as a warning that an overwhelming stressor could be coming, without Alex being consciously aware of the historical connection. The internal warning compels Alex to move away from the perceived source of the pressure to feel safer.

Sometimes, secretly, it’s a bit of a relief when you have a tiff. They kind of back off for a few days. You get some space.

In the space you feel a bit more like yourself again. You don’t think too much about them for the first day or two and feel more relaxed. You focus on your work, your hobbies, your friends. This is what being single would be like, you think. It’s nice.

But on day three, you start to feel a bit lonely. Something reminds you of your partner and you miss them. The feeling surprises you a little bit but you know you’re not a coldhearted jerk, you do love them. You’ve forgotten what the little fight was about. You shoot them a text. Something cheeky always makes them laugh.

Avoidantly attached people feel safer at a distance. Their alert systems are able to relax and stop scanning for danger. They are able to spend time focusing on themselves without it becoming a source of guilt or conflict (which may have come from their partner, or been an internal process). This allows them to  feel independent and steady again, which in turn allows positive feelings to return for the partner and relationship.

You find a new job. Your boss seems surprised you want to leave.

Avoidant attachment can also show up in the workplace as similar difficulties with communication and conflict resolution. I'll write more on that in another post about attachment styles in the workplace.

There’s a new person at work... You work together on a project. They’re funny and relaxed and you just talk about work, and sometimes your weekends and interests. Never feelings. You find yourself daydreaming about what it would be like to date them.

It seems like it would just be easy.

The new person at work becomes attractive because Alex can imagine that the relationship would stay like this — more surface level, not requiring any true intimacy or compromise or emotionality.

It seems to prompt them to want to talk about the future. Like, where you two are heading in the next few years. They say something about marriage. One of their friends already said something to you about that once when you were out. You went home after that dinner and looked up Contiki.

Little actions and daydreams like looking up the Contiki tour is Alex’s subconscious way of regulating the anxiety that arises again at the mention of commitment.

You ask for some space. They struggle with this, as they always do, but you know you have to be the one to calm things down and the best way to do that is to take a little break from each other, otherwise they just get more and more upset until one or both of you says something mean. And it always blows over and you always come back, they should know that by now.

This is an example of the pursuer-distancer style of conflict, which commonly occurs in anxious and avoidant relationships. For Alex as the distancer, the shut-down response is their attempt at conflict management. They aren’t wrong that problems can’t be solved in a very heightened state of emotion — it’s just that the overt pulling away and ignoring the issue type of response isn’t the way to properly resolve an issue between a couple either.

You’re hurting them, and that makes you feel like an asshole. You’re probably not cut out for a relationship, if that’s what it takes. You think and think some more, and when you imagine letting them go, the relief that floods through your body and finally settles that gnawing in your stomach confirms it’s the right thing to do.

If you were meant to be together, you’d feel sadness, not relief, right?

That feeling Alex has — that their partner has an insatiable need that Alex can never meet — may or may not be influenced of the partner’s attachment style. A very anxiously attached partner does tend to want very high levels of closeness in order to feel safe in the relationship themselves. For some more anxiously attached people, their own ideas about how that is achieved can involve a sense of merging of lives, time, and even identities.

An avoidantly attached partner however can also experience a more securely attached person’s normal, reasonable desire for growing the emotional intimacy and commitment with a partner as suffocating. Their sensitivity towards encroachment on their autonomy is heightened, so even a typical and healthy relationship progression can activate the avoidant alarm system.

The relief Alex feels is the avoidant attachment system relaxing and feeling safe again. It’s misinterpreted by Alex as an accurate, helpful gut feeling about whether the relationship is a good one. The thought “meant to be together” also reflects a romantic notion that destiny has something to do with it — this reliance on an outside, mysterious influence helps alleviate some uncertainty, guilt, or questioning their own role in the situation. This is not necessarily reflective of avoidantly attached people, but many individuals find themselves thinking this way about relationships and breakups.

Six months later, you do see someone else starting to appear on their Instagram stories. Yes, you still watch them. They look happy. You miss them. You send a message, tell them that, but you’re glad they seem happy.

One day maybe you’ll meet someone like that.

I had to put this Instagram detail in because anyone who has has their heart broken by an avoidantly attached person in the last decade has probably had and felt confused by this experience. Through the safe distance of the screen, an ex can sometimes become more appealing again. Without the requirements of an actual committed partnership, genuine (or fantasy) feelings of appreciation and missing the ex can arise — but doesn’t really reflect any internal change that would allow them to feel safer in a relationship and to show up differently as a partner.

The final line reflects the avoidantly attached person’s core desire to experience love. Wondering whether the stress that they felt was just specific to that last relationship dynamic allows them to contemplate dating again to try and meet that need.

An important note: Many of these actions and reactions also show up in some people’s very first relationships when they are young, and may just be connected to emotional and relational immaturity that is to be expected for their age and stage. They might grow and mature naturally into exhibiting a more secure attachment style as their brains continue developing into their mid-20s. If this is you or someone you love, it’s still important to recognise that the partner may still feel hurt by this dynamic, and it’s worth working on how to date and have early relationships with as much integrity and health as possible.

Alex’s story is just one, fictional example of how someone with an avoidant attachment style might think about and experience a relationship, particularly if partnered with someone with a more anxious attachment style. You may or may not relate to some or all of it, but if you are wondering if your own patterns in relationships so far might be stemming from attachment issues, this awareness is the first step in deciding to do something about it and changing the landscape of your relational future.

I write about attachment, relationships, and self-compassion, and I'm currently working on a book about healing attachment patterns in relationships — sign up here for updates.