When couples come to therapy, we immediately set about trying to describe and understand their unhelpful dynamic – the patterns they repeat like the steps of a dance. Although every individual and couple is unique, there tend to be several very common dynamics that couples present with.
The pursuer-distancer dynamic is one of the most common dynamics couples find themselves in. It’s extremely frustrating for both parties and can lead to painful, repetitive interactions that destroy the trust, security, and sense of connection in a partnership.
This dynamic comes out in times of stress and/or conflict. In a couple, one may habitually operate as a pursuer, and the other a distancer. The dance may start from either party beginning their ‘moves’.
The pursuer
As the name suggests, the pursuer moves towards their partner in stress or conflict. They want answers. They want to resolve issues now. They want to know what’s wrong. They want to talk about problems. If something feels out of sorts in the relationship, or they sense a little distance, they want to restore balance by approaching the problem and their partner.
The distancer
The distancer’s moves are the polar opposite to those of the pursuer. They withdraw from stress and conflict, and thus their partner. They may find sustained closeness uncomfortable or difficult, and pull back when the relationship feels more intense than they can handle. When something feels heightened, the distancer wants to restore balance by backing away and letting it cool.
The dance
Because these moves are mirror images, they are essentially guaranteed to escalate each other. Both people become increasingly frustrated at the others’ behaviour and seeming inability of their partner to understand them and give them what they need.
In an escalating pursuer-distancer situation, the pursuer might find themselves following their partner around, feeling like they have to cajole, then badger, becoming increasingly intense in their pursuit. They might feel that they have to vacillate between questioning, pleading, and anger in order to get some kind of response.
The distancer might begin by brushing off the pursuer’s attempts to seek closeness or information (“Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine, I don’t know what you mean”), then in turn amplify their own strategies by shutting down or responding aggressively in turn to push the pursuer away.
The pursuer-distancer dynamic often ends up in ugly arguments that cause damage to the relationship and create painful memories. Each person ends up believing “I just can’t talk to you.”
Why does the pursuer-distancer dynamic happen?
Both of these roles are understandable attempts by each partner to get their needs met. The pursuer’s need to discuss and resolve problems is reasonable, as is the distancer’s need for space to sort through their thinking or calm their own nervous system when stressed.
These reasonable needs can tip over into more unhelpful behaviours when they are a) Driven by underlying attachment issues, and b) Acted out in ways that are unkind, extreme, or otherwise unrelational.
Getting out of the pursuer-distancer cycle
Knowing your own and your partner’s usual steps in this dance will allow you to spot it when it is happening.
Get familiar with how you feel on the inside when you feel compelled to pursue or distance and what changes to your behaviour start to occur:
Does your volume or tone go up?
Do you furrow your brow, widen your eyes, clench your jaw?
Do you start to talk more to make your point?
Do you follow your partner if they move away?
Do you avoid eye contact?
Do you start giving short answers or fall silent??
Do you want to explode or get mean to either provoke a response or get your partner to leave you alone?
Once you have noticed the cycle beginning, commit to stepping out of it and doing something differently.
Whether you are the pursuer or the distancer, the strategy is the same:
Let your partner know that you want to talk more about this issue but you can see the two of you need a break.
Take some time to soothe any anxiety or other emotions that have arisen.
Reflect on what you know about yourself and why you might be finding this situation difficult.
Use empathy to remember that your partner’s behaviour is likely driven by their own challenges in relationships and that they, like you, probably have some reasonable needs that they need to meet.
Whoever called the break should be the one to check in with their partner about whether they feel ready to talk further. You both need to be in a more regulated, open emotional state in order to have a productive conversation.
If understanding why you or your partner responds this way is confusing, or you aren’t sure how to effectively soothe your anxiety or other feelings, individual or couples therapy can provide you with insights and tools that allow you to finally break the pursuer-distancer circuit. This cycle is extremely common in couples and with the willingness of both parties to try something else, it’s destructive powers can be put to rest.
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