Articles

An illustrative story of what's going on inside for an avoidantly attached person in a relatonship.

Imagine arriving into the world. You’re a brand new shiny baby. Someone (or some people) take you home. It is now their job to keep you alive and teach you everything there is to know about being a person. Before you can even understand the words that are being spoken around you, your brain is running on instincts and learning patterns from how the people respond to you and each other. Your brain is very active and very clever, despite being brand new. Hungry? Scream and

Perhaps your relationship started off so promising. When you were first dating, you were excited. Your new person seemed so into you. It was fun, kinda hot, probably. How could this person possibly be single? Sure, maybe you'd heard about their heartbreaker reputation. Or their ex was crazy. Or they were absolutely locked into their study or career so of course they didn't have time for a serious relationship. And of course, they hadn't met you yet. Well, maybe there were a f

If you're wondering if you might have an avoidant attachment style, or trying to understand the thinking of a partner who does, this article begins to explain how an avoidantly attached person might think about and experience relationships. Important Note: Always remember that attachment style labels are broad categories, and every person is an individual. You or your partner may or may not relate to some or all of the ideas below. How an avoidantly attached person might thin

The pursuer-distancer dynamic is one of the most common dynamics couples find themselves in, but there are ways to understand and escape it.

A therapist's insight into why couples therapy might not work, and what to do about it.

If you’re interested in the personal growth space, or you’ve been to therapy, or stayed up late googling “Why does my partner say I’m clingy?” or “Why do people ghost other people?”, you might’ve come across the concept of attachment theory and attachment styles. Simply put, attachment theory is a model used to explain four common ways of relating and emotional bonding that can be observed in both children and adults. Our attachment styles are the unconscious beliefs we hol

Are relationships supposed to be hard? How much work should a relationship be? And what are you supposed to work on anyway? Firstly: Yes, healthy, close relationships do take work, and sometimes that will be hard. And - relationships shouldn’t always be hard, because that means issues aren’t being dealt with effectively. Relationships should overall add value to your life, not be a constant source of drain and stress. Despite the romantic notion, love is not enough and can

Sex and money. Two of the most common sources of conflict and disconnect between couples. Both can be sensitive and complex topics in any relationship, triggering emotions, past experiences, judgements, expectations, and power dynamics. They often link to deep-seated beliefs and fears which make it understandably difficult to stay calm and open to each other’s views. Open and honest communication strategies that can withstand any topic are crucial for building a strong, lasti

The emotion of guilt makes a frequent appearance in my sessions with clients. Some are visited by feelings of guilt almost daily. Guilt (or the avoidance of it, because it is so unpleasant), determines their choices, actions, and how they spend their time. When it drives decision-making, it is also often followed hotly by obligation and its twin, resentment. This post explores the ideas of appropriate and inappropriate guilt, as well as the difference between guilt and shame.

Apologies (good ones, at least) are more than mere words. They are transformative acts that have the power to heal wounds, provide relief...

Boundaries are the invisible yet essential rules that define our personal space and emotional well-being in our interpersonal...

Independence is often celebrated (particularly within Western cultures) as a valuable quality that underpins personal growth, autonomy, and self-reliance. However, when taken to an extreme, what we might call "hyper-independence" can pose challenges within close relationships. While it might seem appealing to rely only on oneself, at our core, most of us want the experience of being securely known and loved by at least one other. Striking a balance between individuality and t

Relationships are an integral part of our lives, offering support, companionship, and love. Most people desire connected, supportive,...

In our current times, we are often reminded of the importance of independence and self-reliance, especially in Western cultures. While these qualities are indeed valuable, it downplays the strength and beauty that lie in our connections with others. The concept of interdependence in romantic partnerships balances extremes of dependence or independence. It recognises that we are individuals with unique strengths and needs, while acknowledging the opportunity and growth that a

Regardless of the content, most couples tend to have a same, repetitive fight (or three) that they return to over and over again. Why do I have to do everything around here?! Because if I do it it's never up to your standard! Just tell me what you want me to do! You’re so controlling! Well I wouldn’t have to be, if I could trust you to be reliable! It’s like I can never do anything right by you! Well you would get things right, if you’d just think about someone other than y