Avoidant Attachment: What's Really Going On Inside (Part One)

(See this post for the background to this story).

You’re 25 now. You meet someone nice. They seem to want to take care of you a lot. They always want to hear about your feelings, it’s kinda sweet but it also feels pretty weird and you don’t always know what to tell them. But they are funny and hot and confident and up for anything and you get along great.

You keep dating and they want to introduce you to their friends. For some reason that suggestion makes you feel a bit sweaty. You agree to go. You have an ok time, but you notice your partner acts a little different around their friends. You feel a tiny ick. You decide next weekend you’ll just hang out with your friends, you haven’t been seeing them enough anyway.

Your partner wants to talk. They say you’re acting different. You have no idea what they’re talking about. Don’t they want you to see your friends? You didn’t realise you were dating a stage 5 clinger. You say this out loud. Doesn’t go down well.

You patch it up. They’re good like that. You do some fun things together — go to movies, festivals, skiing. It’s like having a best friend, but also sex. When it’s good, it’s really good. This is what relationships should be like. One of your parents told you their marriage broke down because they didn’t enjoy hanging out with each other. Not you two.

But your partner starts having a tough time at work. They’re moody. It’s kind of annoying, honestly. You give them some space — that’s what you want when you’re having a hard time.

They accuse you of being unsupportive. They say they don’t want space, they want you to check on them and come even closer when they feel like that. It reminds you of something in the past and makes you uneasy, but you agree to try.

They’re still very supportive of you though. Sometimes it’s a bit much. The questions about how you’re feeling continue. It seems like they want to hear something specific. The more they ask the more blank you feel. I feel pressure, you tell them. They look hurt even though you answered the question.

Sometimes, secretly, it’s a bit of a relief when you have a tiff. They kind of back off for a few days. You get some space.

In the space you feel a bit more like yourself again. You don’t think too much about them for the first day or two and feel more relaxed. You focus on your work, your hobbies, your friends. This is what being single would be like, you think. It’s nice.

But on day three, you start to feel a bit lonely. Something reminds you of your partner and you miss them. The feeling surprises you a little bit but you know you’re not a coldhearted jerk, you do love them. You’ve forgotten what the little fight was about. You shoot them a text. Something cheeky always makes them laugh.

You see each other, you say sorry, you hug, it’s back to normal.

A few months go by. You’ve been together a while now. There’s a routine to your relationship. Your partner is very committed to you. Like, very. They still send good morning and goodnight texts. People think that’s cute. You’d call it intense, but you’ve learned things like that are better as an inside thought.

You have your own tough time at work. Your boss is erratic — one day you’re the best employee in the team, the next they’re treating you like you’re no-one. You spend a lot of time thinking about it, including when you’re with your partner. They ask about it and want to give suggestions but they don’t really get it and it’s frustrating and you even get into an argument about it. You stop talking to them about work, that way you won’t fight. They don’t seem to realise that’s preferable.

You find a new job. Your boss seems surprised you want to leave.

A few more months go by. Something is gnawing at your stomach whenever you’re with your partner. You know it isn’t fair, they don’t really do anything wrong. Except they don’t really seem to have much of a plan for their career. That confidence they had at the beginning, it’s gone somewhere, or maybe it was never real. And they used to go out with their friends a lot when you first got together but now they say they enjoy hanging out with you more. And they always talk when you’re watching TV.

Always with the talking.

Your partner mentions the future once (like, being together in it), and the gnawing in your stomach turns into a clench. You don’t say anything back, which you think is probably for the best since your track record suggests you are not great when you feel stressed in conversations. But they notice and ask more questions that seem increasingly more panicked themselves.

You don’t talk about much for the next few days. The quiet gives you a chance to settle. Your partner goes out with their own friends for once. You remember you love them and buy concert tickets for the two of you for next summer and they seem happy.

There’s a new person at work. They’re fun. You have some of the same interests, including your nerdy hobby your partner never got into (did you invite them? Can’t remember). You don’t mention your partner, it just doesn’t come up. It’s not like you’re married. You’re not doing anything wrong by talking to a colleague. Maybe they flirt with you but you’re just being your normal friendly self.

You work together on a project. They’re funny and relaxed and you just talk about work, and sometimes your weekends and interests. Never feelings. You find yourself daydreaming about what it would be like to date them.

It seems like it would just be easy.

Your partner notices you talking about your new colleague (why do they notice everything?) They make a joke about you having a crush on them. It’s annoying. When you tell them that (sharing a feeling without being asked, for once) they get quiet, then angry, then upset. It’s a lot.

It seems to prompt them to want to talk about the future. Like, where you two are heading in the next few years. They say something about marriage. One of their friends already said something to you about that once when you were out. You went home after that dinner and looked up Contiki.

So you think about the future, like they asked you to. And the feeling in your stomach moves up to your chest, and your throat. All you can think about are the doors you will be closing — you’ve barely traveled yet, never lived in another place let alone overseas. But worse, what if the two of you are always like this? Your partner always wanting more, which must mean less for you. Where will that end? Do they really want your lives to just revolve around each other?

To be continued...

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