What it Feels Like to Love an Avoidant Partner (especially if you're anxiously attached)

Perhaps your relationship started off so promising.

When you were first dating, you were excited. Your new person seemed so into you. It was fun, kinda hot, probably. How could this person possibly be single?

Sure, maybe you'd heard about their heartbreaker reputation. Or their ex was crazy. Or they were absolutely locked into their study or career so of course they didn't have time for a serious relationship. And of course, they hadn't met you yet.

Well, maybe there were a few signs. The texting fluctuated a bit, but they had a lot going on, and anyway, you're cool like that.

Or maybe it really was all good. You dated, you decided to see each other exclusively, it became a real relationship. Everything was fine.

And then all of a sudden, or gradually, the honeymoon period was over. And just like is supposed to happen in a maturing relationship, you both stopped being on your best behaviour, and let each other see your less shiny sides.

And so of course you started to have disagreements. Maybe it was just tension, misunderstandings really, or maybe it was real heated conflict.

But you were prepared to work through it. All relationships take work, and you signed up for that. You're always willing to talk. You'd rather sort things out right away and restore that loving connection.

You partner... Something seems to have changed in them. They don't want to talk problems through, not really. They can be really cold (but they do say they are busy and you're just reading into it, so maybe it's in your head?) No matter how much you check if things were ok and ask them if you two were good, it just seems off. Once (or twice) they've accused you of being needy or clingy or not giving them space when you were just trying to make sure you stayed connected. It's hard to relax.

You're still together, but to you it feels like the relationship stopped growing, or maybe even went backwards a bit. Sometimes your partner seems like they are all in with you, and sometimes they feel just out of reach. And sometimes they are completely out of reach — they're always so independent, doing everything for themselves, even though you'd love to show up as the dependable, loving partner you are and really be there for them. You've asked them about all this, but they don't know what you're talking about.

Sometimes they are just so bloody obtuse.

Your disagreements always have that same kind of pattern. You want to fix things, they want to avoid them. Maybe you've stopped raising things and just try to swallow your upset. But that's not really your nature, and you can feel it contributing to the distance between you, the thing you really don't want. It's stressful, and confusing, but it feels like there's nothing you can really do except keep asking, keep checking, keep trying to be the best possible partner.

It feels like you're the only one invested in working on the relationship. "If they wanted to, they would" you've heard people say. You've wondered what's wrong with you and why they don't want to. It seems like they got to know you and once they saw who you really are, they pulled away.

It's not the first time this has happened to you either. Maybe you just need to be more chill, like they said. But you've also heard "You teach people how to treat you", so maybe you asked for this? You're not sure what is fair to want and ask for any more, if anyone will really love you they way you love them.

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If you related to some or all of the description above, you might be (or have been in) a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style. And you may or may not have traits of an anxious attachment style yourself. People with anxious and avoidant attachment styles seem to be like magnets for each other. The dynamic feels familiar (usually subconsciously) to the environments they grew up in and the models of love they learned from their families. And familiar feels like 'home', even if it wasn't healthy.

Loving someone who keeps you at arm's length is painful. And, people who are avoidantly attached have their own struggles too, even if it doesn't seem as obvious or intense as yours. It doesn't have to spell the end of a relationship — what it does require is for both people to be willing to look at how they contribute to the dysfunction in the relationship and be open to making changes.

Addressing attachment issues and learning to love and connect in a healthy, interdependent way will require both people in a relationship like the one described to do some things that feel scary. For someone with a more anxious attachment style, that will mean learning to step back. If an avoidantly attached person needs to learn to step forward towards connection (frightening for them), then there needs to be a calm, stable place for them to step into. It can feel so counter-intuitive to lean out (if you're not pushing the two of you along, who will?) but usually this safe space has to be created first before your partner can step up.

And likewise, if you do your part, your partner will need to do theirs. There will need to be conversations about what a loving, satisfying, secure relationship looks like that meets both of your reasonable needs. There will be compromise. It might not be the fairytale love like in the movies, but it can be fulfilling and connected and yours.

I write about attachment, relationships, and self-compassion, and I'm currently working on a book about healing attachment patterns in relationships — sign up here for updates.