There are certain realisations I’ve had in my life that I categorise as “horrifying truths of adulthood.” The realities you don’t see as a kid when being an adult looks so free and easy.
One of the most powerful for me, and one I still regularly have to remind myself of even now in my 40s, is that no-one is going to force me to look after myself.
All the stuff that a (good) parent should have done for you as a kid – get you to eat and sleep right, make healthy friendships, balance your work and play, get support for things you find more difficult, ensure you don’t get over-stretched or under-stimulated – you have to start doing that for yourself as an adult.
All of it. It’s a lot.
One day, feeling overwhelmed, resentful, and stuck, I realised that no-one was going to pull me aside and tell me:
Hey Averil, you’ve got enough work on, don’t take any more for a bit. (Well maybe this might happen if you have a really good manager, but oftentimes the most capable and efficient workers just get loaded up with more work unless they assertively say no).
Look, it’s time to take a vacation now, off you go (ditto about the good manager).
Sweetheart, you’ve gotten into a loop of being tired and then managing your energy with sugar and caffeine, I’m going to change your nutrition up for you a bit.
It’s bedtime, TV off, let’s go.
Honey, this person doesn’t seem to be being a good friend to you, I’m not going to let you hang out with them anymore.
How about we give you a payrise??
If this event is a bit much for you, you don't have to go, darling.
Hey, you’re being kinda moody lately. Let's find someone for you to talk to.
You're bored, huh. Let's find you a new hobby or group.
Oh gosh, you’re really afraid of that thing, huh? Let’s get you some help with that.
You’ve got obligations and commitments just about every day, I think that’s a bit much. Let’s see where you can cut back.
I remember feeling distinctly horrified when I realised this. If I was getting stressed and worn out, no-one was going to take over and force me to take care of myself. No-one was going to let me off the hook, set boundaries for me, be assertive with people for me, or ensure that my happiness, physical and mental health were prioritised.
I was going to have to do it all myself.
Why does this happen?
You might struggle with these issues because your parents took care of everything for you and you never had to figure out how to self-monitor and self-regulate.
Perhaps you might have learned that you're expected to do a lot for other people and you were never taught that saying no and having limits was allowed.
Maybe you receive lots of praise and approval for always being a good helper, always available and supportive, and developed into a chronic people-pleaser.
Or you might never have experienced the kind of care from others that you now need to learn to give to yourself.
Our responsibility for self-care
However you got here, it’s possible to learn how to notice and take care of your own needs. In fact, it’s not just a possibility, it’s essential.
If you don’t take care of yourself, and no-one else is required to take care of you as an adult, you will eventually flame out. Because we are all connected – to our loved ones, our colleagues, our communities – one of us flaming out like this has a ripple effect.
We have a responsibility to care for ourselves so that we can continue to be functioning parts of our circles. You taking care of yourself frees up those around you to take care of themselves too.
Beyond that, you deserve to take care of yourself as any other human does. No-one is supposed to endlessly stretch themselves, or just scrape by in terms of their wellbeing.
You need to keep this body and mind of yours going for likely quite a few more decades, so you are allowed to put some thought and effort into its maintenance.
How do we care for ourselves?
Taking care of ourselves include maintaining healthy habits, saying yes at times and no at others, establishing and holding boundaries, addressing our challenges, building connections, creating fulfillment and meaning, and managing our time and energy.
Take a moment now to do an honest evaluation of how well you are taking care of yourself. Score yourself out of 10 for each area, and make a commitment to take one action in each area where you score less than 7:
Mental wellbeing
Physical health, including sleep
Friendships
Romantic relationships
Family relationships
Work
Community
Sense of self/spirituality
Pleasure and enjoyment
In acknowledging these harsh truths of adulthood, we accept that self-care is a requirement for all of us, rather than a luxury. Taking ownership of our wellbeing allows us to thrive and positively impact those around us. We don’t need permission to look after ourselves, it’s a necessity of functioning as a healthy adult. Where will you start today?
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