“Processing” is something that often comes up when people talk about going to therapy. We might be going through or have been through a difficult or confusing event that we want to speak to someone about, or be aware that there are some emotions that we haven’t really attended to, and we're told that this mysterious "processing" that will occur in therapy will help.
But what does it mean, and what actually happens?
**Note - different therapists will be trained in and use different modalities (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, somatic methods, art therapy, EMDR, etc) to approach processing. These methods are all very different, which means there is an approach to suit most people and issues. Speak to your therapist or potential therapist about how they approach processing and consider whether that sounds like it is something you are open to.
The description below is based on how I approach processing with my own clients.
What do you process in therapy?
Sometimes people come to therapy to talk through past or present events, the sense they have made of those events, and the impact left behind.
Whether we are aware of it or not, we all carry stories about ourselves and our lives. We tell stories – to others, or just ourselves – about our childhoods, our relationships, our careers, and major life events. They are a way of summarising or understanding what has happened.
It’s the painful stories that often bring people to therapy. A narrative or a story that is causing distress might sound like:
“I haven’t had a good relationship because when people get to know me, they don’t like what they see, and they leave.”
“My mother is cold and critical because she doesn’t really love me.”
“I made the wrong career choice and now I’ll never be successful.”
“I got dumped, and I’ll never meet someone as good as my ex again.”
“I always sabotage good things, I have so many regrets.”
“My father was always so harsh on me and I can’t get over my anger at him.”
“After the accident, it feels like danger is around every corner.”
When we are processing in therapy, we look at these from all angles, and we build the story out. We consider who you were at the time the event was happening – your age, your past experiences, your understanding of yourself and the world, the information you had at the time.
How are emotions processed in therapy?
We take time to unpack the feelings that the situation generated in you, the unmet needs that might have been present, and how you managed or were supported with those feelings at the time.
For example, there might be anger that you didn’t allow yourself to feel or were told by others was not appropriate.
Or there might be grief that you didn’t have the time or capacity for that needs to be acknowledged and expressed. As you get older, previous losses might also need to be revisited – for example, the loss of a parent as a child often takes on new meaning when you become a parent yourself.
It might be the first time you have had anyone to talk to about events that no-one else witnessed or knew had an impact on you – from childhood neglect to being teased by classmates.
You might have had feelings that were so big they threatened to swamp you, so you pushed them down and never revisited them.
Processing emotions like these in therapy allows you to put a name to your feelings, give them space, make sense of where they came from, and allow your natural human emotional response to be acknowledged.
A good therapist will help you to feel confident in expressing and feeling these emotions in a way that is safe, even if it’s hard and uncomfortable.
Adding more to the story
If there were other people involved in the event or situation, we might try and take a step back and look at what was happening for them as well. We consider the context – the era and culture, perhaps how they were raised, their own challenges as people, what support or advice they might have been given at the time.
This can help us to gain some understanding when someone’s choices might have been confusing or hurtful to us, and help to add more to the story – so while it still may be painful, it can make more sense.
This might not always be appropriate in instances of abuse – it’s not necessarily right or healthy to build empathy for the perpetrator of sexual or physical assault, for example. It might however provide some clarity or new considerations when we are trying to understand why a parent was distant, or an ex-partner was emotionally unavailable, or a friendship seemed to suddenly evaporate.
How does processing events in therapy help you make changes?
As well as exploring the feelings and stories about events, we can also explore conclusions you might have drawn that continue to affect your present choices and behaviour.
For example, someone who has been in a traumatic car accident might understandably over-estimate the likelihood of further major incidents and avoid driving or being in cars.
Someone who has grown up in poverty might feel extremely concerned about finances and monitor every penny, even when they are much more comfortable as an adult.
A person who was bullied as a child might keep all of their work colleagues at arm’s length.
Looking at these links to the past allows you to make different choices that reflect your present-day risks and values, rather than acting unconsciously from fear or habit.
Why go to therapy to process?
When you’re ready, making the choice to process past or present difficulties of all sizes can lead to a sense of greater peace and internal freedom.
The value of processing events and feelings with a therapist also comes in large part from the human-to-human interaction.
While a person could probably talk themselves through the concepts in this post or get similar advice from a self-help book (or AI), there is something uniquely comforting about having a skilled, empathic fellow human being that we trust showing us the compassion, understanding, and acceptance most of us need to make sense of our challenges.
A therapist also provides a safe space with someone who isn’t your friend or family member to express everything you want to in an unfiltered way without concern for the impact on the listener. Our loved ones also tend to give well-intended advice or reassurance, wanting us to feel better as quickly as possible, which can unintentionally lead to us feeling dismissed or unheard.
A trained therapist can give you the time to explore more thoughtfully, helping you to feel what needs to be felt as well as support you in managing your emotions without becoming overwhelmed. Make sure to find a therapist you feel a good connection and rapport with to help guide what can be some personal and vulnerable work.
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