For most couples, deciding to come to couples counselling is a big deal.
It usually means things have become really difficult, and have probably been this way for a while.
There might have been ultimatums, or infidelity, or some other crisis point reached.
There might have been knock-down-drag-em-out arguments, or perhaps the silence is deafening.
While some couples like to come to counselling when they notice early signs of trouble, many go through years of dissatisfaction before ending up in a therapist’s office.
So you are to be commended for deciding that this can’t continue, and you are willing to do the work to change it.
As for all therapy, but particularly for couples work, it's important that I'm the right therapist for you and that you are in a good place to start therapy. To help us figure this out, we go through an initial screening process that involves both of you filling out a brief questionnaire. You will each fill this out (separately, though you may choose to share it with each other) and send it back to me before our appointment. Once I receive those back, I'll give you a quick call to get any further information I need and have a brief chat about your current situation and how you're feeling about starting couples therapy. This will give us both a sense too of whether we might work well together.
It might be that we realise that there are "competing needs" - other issues you are facing that are better addressed first, so that the couples work will be more efficient and effective. Some of these issues might include if one or both of you is are struggling with an alcohol or substance use problem, have just lost a loved one and are grieving, or you are experiencing other mental health issues (severe depression, suspected personality disorder issues). To get the most out of your couples therapy, which is going to be hard work, you will find it more helpful to triage those issues and get help with them first.
A day or so before your session, I'll email you the Zoom link. It's helpful if you check that Zoom is working correctly at your end - if you use the app, you might want to check it's all up to date on your device. If you haven't used Zoom much before, get familiar with how you turn on your video and your microphone, and check your microphone and speakers are working (or headphones if you are calling in separately and you want to use them). A good strong internet connection wherever you are sitting helps too, but sometimes there's the occasional glitch at my end or yours, and we can almost always get it working again quickly. If you are calling in from separate locations, make sure you both do these pre-session checks.
On the day of your appointment, just click the link in the email and it will send you to the "waiting room" until I start the session at my end. It's a good idea to have tissues and water to hand, and I almost always have a cup of tea or coffee with me so I encourage you to get comfy and have one too!
If you are seeking support after a disclosure of infidelity, the initial session(s) may follow a different format to the general outline described below. After infidelity, particularly if the disclosure or discovery was recent, there are often a lot of emotions that need to be expressed and understood. As your therapist, my role is to make space for this to occur, while also keeping it safe and contained for the both of you.
For other relationship problems, the first appointment involves a thorough assessment. In this session, I will ask one of you at a time for your description of the issues in your relationship. I will be looking and listening for the patterns in the examples you provide that will help me understand what is going on.
I’ll ask about what happens during a typical argument or the type of interaction you aren’t happy with, or when one or both of you really has “your buttons pushed”. We’ll discuss what each partner usually does in this situation, and I’ll share with you a framework for understanding the four common reactions we see in couples.
We’ll then turn our attention to where these behaviours have come from, what’s been perpetuating them, and what your reasons might be for wanting to make a change. Breaking dysfunctional patterns takes work and is a stretch for both parties, no matter what your contribution to the dynamic has been thus far, so it’s important for us to identify what’s motivating you.
At the end of the session, we will talk about where to from here. The approach I take in couples counselling is designed for you to see progress quickly, so that you don’t need to keep regularly coming to therapy sessions for six months or more.
My aim is that when you walk out the door after your first session, you will have started to gain a window into the dynamics that led up to this point in your relationship and planted a seed of hope that it can improve.
While it can be uncomfortable to talk about and own the less-stellar parts of your behaviour and relationship, the intention is for you never to feel judged. My job in couples counselling is to let you know when I see behaviours that aren’t helpful to your relationship, but I by no means present myself as a perfect person or partner.
Why not?
Because there is no such thing.
None of us got to adulthood without a bunch of baggage and beliefs that get tripped off by our nearest and dearest.
But we owe it to ourselves, our partners, and our children to do better.
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